can't come. weird drunk guy passed out on couch. long story, tell u later.
wtf. wake him up, call him a cab, get over here!
i just want to make sure he doesn't die. or rob me. plus it's facinating, he's faceplant on the arm of my sofa.
he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving
I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
So I went into my gym pretty wasted and asked the trainer guy if i could order a cock meat sandwich. Needless to say, I'm canceling my membership tomorrow.
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car
I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
I have a new philosophy. Fuck wearing bras, it's summertime.
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Why are you naked at 4pm?
Its my birthday, I dont have to wear clothes
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