In retrospect, it was a terrible idea, going down on her with these ulcers in my mouth.
Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
My boss just called me into his office to apologize for being an "inadvertant cockblock"
I'm drinking vodka out of a coffee pot. and i'm not even mad about it
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.
When I woke up everyone at the party was in their underwear. Only you guys were playing strip pong.
Yes, we all have the power to convince a large amount of people to take their clothes off
If you need to be the damsel in drunken distress make sure it's before 3.
He keeps telling me he's gonna get me dope for my birthday. 1. HELP ME. 2. HOW IS THAT AN ACCEPTABLE BIRTHDAY PRESENT. Also, please HELP ME.
We're sitting in the bathtub, eating pizza, doing shots of vvodka and comparing nipples. I havfe never been so comfortable in my life.
I'm too drunk to explain this to you. It's too hard.
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Ugh... The hoe gods giveth and the hoe gods taketh away.
He just turned down phone sex for hockey and I'm so relieved I'm fucking a straight guy that I'm barely even mad
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
