is that paris hilton dressed up as the guy from star trek who hosts reading rainbow
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.
no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you
I think being a buddhist has made me a better drunk
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
There are some things you can ever unsee. And walking in on your dad jerking off is one of those things.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
By the way can you translate "sorry, she played you bruh" to Spanish? Some Hispanic guy who spoke absolutely no English callled me last night and when I tried to tell him he had the wrong number the response was "como? No no no no...." And then click. He was gone
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
Randomize
