you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I WAS CONCIEVED IN THE BACK OF MY CAR. THATS HOW OLD THIS CAR IS.
...how and why.
PARENTS ARE MAGIC.
I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.
I sang him a lovely rendition of 'So Long and Thanks For All the Fish", but replaced fish with dick.
we're in NC now and so far we've smoked a blunt in every state with the exception of Tennessee which we accidentally went to
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Im showing up stoned and in sweatpants. Because that is where im at in life right now. Sorry not sorry.
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
do you think mom is upset that i left with the stripper from her bachelorette party last night?
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
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