I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
Is there any way to un-invite somebody to a wedding? I just checked out the other family, and I can't have a cockblock there.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I sobered up in the middle of it, that I was hooking up with him in a rosemary bush. I woke up smelling like a pasta dish
My brain is like scrambled eggs. If scrambled eggs were trying to escape out of my skull through my forehead.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Why am I a human magnet for the worst dicks of the world?
You're lucky I'm holding your vagina in my best interests
First walk of shame in 18 years. Divorce is going well.
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