Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
i may not always bang 16 year olds but when i do, i prefer hot ones
I'm okay, they said the swelling should go down in a week. But next time I'm shitwrecked, please make sure to remind me that I can't open a champagne bottle with corkscrew.
I just realized that if I marry him I will have the same last name as spiderman. this makes my decision so much harder.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"
promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.
'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear
Hey I'm not sure why your jacket's covered in maple syrup but I just realized you didn't leave the house earlier wearing a jacket...
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
There was so much jailbait at the festival that there was no other option but to drink my morals away
There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight
We're like Lewis and Clark
I don't want to be "that guy" but I may have accidentally sent a dick pic to your mom
Randomize
