so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.
The only explanation I can think of is that he still likes me. Which gives me an enormous amount of power over him and makes me laugh with malicious intent.
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
UPDATE: THERE IS ASS EATING. I REPEAT: THERE IS ASS EATING.
I better get weekly incoherent text messages or I will assume something is wrong.
I'm gonna invite every single tinder date I've had to my birthday. Let them fight, battle Royale style. The winner gets to fuck me. \n\nBest. Birthday. Ever
Randomize
