Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
it feels good to walk into a CVS and not go straight to the pharmacy counter for plan b. its been a while....
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
FACE TIME HER WHILE YOU GUYS BANG
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
I may have broke the toilet masturbating. On a positive note the floor is really clean now.
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