I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.
pop tarts are not kleenex
I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
The more I piece together last night the more I want to vomit it out of my brain.
If waking up at 6 50 pm every day and getting invited to go have sex as you wake up is what alcoholism is like I can get use to this.
He couldn't get his dick hard. So he started yelling at it. " EVERYONE is laughing at you, you piece of shit no wonder you can't get pussy" i wonder if that happens frequently I'll try again next weekend
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
Welcome aboard the S.S. struggle. I'll be your captain for today's voyage and Jeremy is your first mate. Just sit back and relax while we navigate the seas of drunken regret. Your forecast for the day is violently hungover with a chance of "shit, that really did happen!"
Randomize
