if i can run in heels then i can drive
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
You have plans tonight?
Stress crying into a bottle of long island ice tea mix...other than that nope
That ACT prep teacher knew i was hung. I could see it in her eyes.
What kind of scumbag goes to a baby's 1st birthday party with a black eye? This kind. Me. I'm disgraceful.
The true debate: do I prioritize going to bed and getting more than six hours of sleep or do I prioritize washing out various grease, leaf bits, and jizz out of my hair
He sent me a pic and then I suffered dick amnesia about the rest of that
I don't want to inconvenience you with my dick\n\n
And he kept lifting up his shirt every few minutes to check if his nipples were still there
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
you were trying to drink the laundry detergent and yelling blue drankkkkk
Listen gotta draw the line somewhere. Apparently that line is at my nuts.
Randomize
