Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.
I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
I vaguely remember telling a bum she was worth more than this
Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
It looks like a baby bear tried to chew off my nipples.
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
your keys are upstairs on the nightstand or I put them in the hole in the wall
If we had a dog do you think we would be less hoe-y?
Nah
I am not walking across campus just to give you a blow job in the hopes that in return i can study more efficiently.
GOD DAMN IT I COULD HAVE HAD A MOTHERFUCKING 3 WAY LAST NIGHT. WHY BOOZE, WHY?!
Randomize
