They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
I swallowed and made him pancakes in the morning. I feel almost as desperate as Jennifer Aniston at this point.
I really need to learn how to handle sexual advances from older women
I wish I had your problem
do you know what somber means? it's kinda the opposite of a kegstand
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
Ya I know. She's self aware though, like the terminator. Which is the best kind of crazy�
Wait... All I had to do was ask for a sandwich and you would have come over
Drunk dialed the ex last nigh; turns out I miss dialed. The stranger who answered played along and apologized for sleeping with my cousin. She sent me a txt this morning to let me know.
Kindest stranger ever. Marry that girl.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Waiting on the notification from my fitness pal that tells me I'm an alcoholic
He sent me a dick pic for every page I had to write for final papers (87) & brought me adderall. Tell me that isn't romance.
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
I love how u said nothing about the sidewalk sex but refused shower sex
Randomize
