did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I forgot to tell you. I'm at a porno shoot today.
apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
They have a pepper shaker for pot.
You'll be the guy with the raft that sells burritos on the river. You'd be legendary.
You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.
You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.
New rule: gentleman callers are required to bring me gifts of beer when coming over to court you. Tell the monster jam dudes so they know.
I went on my dinner date pretending that my lunch date didn't jizz in my hair.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
He's gonna do me a solid for doing her a solid. It's like pay it foward. But with sex.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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