I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
I really couldn't tell if she was disgusted with the fact that I yacked on her shoes, or if she was about to do the same to me.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
When God was sprinkling self control to everybody, he ran out and was like ehhhh she'll make it!
When we pulled over so you could pee, you made us stand over you and "make a roof"
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
i warned you not to do dabs 20 minutes before graduation. You never listen
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
I learned tonight while in another country that no matter the nationality, men are disappointing in bed
My roommate just angrily told the cat he should have knocked, but that's not lockdown madness. They're always like that.
Not gonna make it. His stripper neighbors are playing a Super Bowl drinking game that involves removing my clothes
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