rolled in at 7am w/ 2 girls i met at the strip club. my neighbor was getting up to mow the lawn before he took his kids to school. i'm 31. he's younger. if given the chance, you think he'd want to switch places?
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
whose oscar?
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
we are torturing ourselves with these mediocre cocks
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...
Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
I'm pretty sure at any given moment you could wring out my liver and get a couple of shots of jäger.
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
Twice. I only peed my pants twice tonight.
I was so horny last night, I failed to let him know about my current bed bug infestation.
Randomize
