lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.
Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'
dude she was so drunk she thought Jim Joyce made the right call
There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
40s are totally the cure
I haven't taken a solid shit in four weeks. Do you know what started four weeks ago? Alcohol and dining hall food. Fucking college.
I need to go back to work. I've had so much sex since the shutdown started. last night we tried and a little flag came out saying "nothing is left in here try a week later"
I was looking at the storm clouds during my run and one oddly resembled ur penis
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
Found my bra in the fridge. See you in 10 mins. It's gonna be a good fuckin day!
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