all he gave me for my birthday was sperm
at least its a homemade gift
I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.
I always hoped that one day I'd have a sex position named in my honor.
I'm two sheets to the sexual wind
Ps I'm glad our relationship hasn't progressed into having to get married so we legally can't testify against each other
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
I'm so excited for post-beer fest chipotle. It will be better than scared shitless pre-go karting chipotle.
This weekend I turned down sex to watch the Star Wars marathon... Is this growing up?
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
How did i spend $200 last night?
Every time you went to get me a drink, you also came back with shots. Then you fell down the steps.
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
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