Alright folks.. i have made history - I just hit my 2nd PARKED car SOBER withing 6 months.. :*( wtf?!
i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
There is now a Twilight themed dildo. What do YOU want for christmas??
They're drinking Schnapps out of Spaghetti-o's cans. Please come pick me up.
Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.
I woke up and took my shirt off, and there was what I was assume to be pieces of tree in my chest hair. Any ideas about that one?
hungover and i feel like a burrito
like eating one or like you are one?
like i am one.
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
Someone had written "Boxmonsterette" on the bathroom wall and I just knew you'd been here.
I did it on acid. I can cook bacon on any condition
Idk if I should be worried or amused that my autocorrect changes the word STD to DTF.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Threesomes are not as fun as you'd think. I left with a black eye and I'm not sure who's to blame.
I wonder how horrible I look to customers. There's cuts all over my face and I can't talk.
What are the cuts from? Head-butting the bathroom light fixture?
Honestly that's best case scenario.
I'm, like, this 🤏🏼 close to buying crocs
And you're also 🤏🏼 to never putting your dick inside me again
Randomize
