I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?
I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
Currently in a meeting. i am playing the not throw up game. god i hope i dont lose.
we are currently watching a singalong porn...just thought you should know
i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.
okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.
I just handed the barista at Starbucks a panty liner instead of my card....maybe I should upgrade this Tall to a Venti...
First time on E and Chris took me to a petsmart during puppy day. I might die of pure awesomeness.
A homeless guy wouldnt accept my granola bar because he didnt have any teeth. I think i win the prize for the ultimate rejection
Welp, I can cross "making out with a guy in a dress" off my bucket list...
Woke up behind one of the fraternity brothers houses in the grass wearing a guinness hat and aviators hugging a 30 rack box with a zonie on my chest next to a campfire.
SCOTCH AND CIGARS AT THE TITTY BAR. YOU ARE COMING WITH US.
If you can handle my post-party look you da real MVP
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
I know you do it only because of my toyota, but thank you for fucking me. Seriously.
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