literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
Life lesson: Don't give a drunk girl a dutch oven after having taco bell. She puked all over my pillow. Funny as hell though.
It is obvious to me now why clam chowder & beer aren't a good combo.
Why the fuck is BBQ sauce coming out of my shower head?
i offered her breakfast shots. she politely declined.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
I need a hug and tequila
I'm sitting next to a milk crate full of tequila right now
This is why we need to live in the same city again
Tequila is gods way of telling you don't fuck with tequila
fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
I appreciate your acceptance of my lack of morals
Ok, maybe playing "whose family is most dysfunctional" wasn't the best drunk idea we've had. Todd''s been crying in the bathroom for an hour. We can't get him out...
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
YOu just turned down my vagina. Something must be wrong. Vegas changed you!
Randomize
