Jennifer and I just ate like 4 jello shots w/ a guy dressed as inspector gadget. We are still in the capital building btw
I love Texas.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
You kept yelling that her vagina looked like a hatchet wound.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
I'm buying you potatoes, the least you could do is not ask any fucking questions and just say thank you.
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
Threw up on the baby. National Tequila Day is the eve of National I'm A Horrible Nanny Day.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
He just made my one night stand pancakes for breakfast. And I thought living with my ex was going to be weird.
My vagina is no longer accepting new clients.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
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