dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you didnt know i had herpes?
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.
Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
It was awkward at first he now knows I fucked his little brother, they were both there. then the tequila kicked in and everything was fine.
Is it bad to have a craving for speed? I feel like my nose is thirsty.
A girl told me I was her "alcohol spirit animal" tonight. Somehow I think my whole life was secretly building up to this moment
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
We should probably feel disgusted that we took turns eating and drunkenly passing around a burrito the size of a small dog but i’m ok with it.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
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