those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
So I'm drinking wine and watching Thumbelina
I'm teaching my cat to play fetch
Yep, it's a friday
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
Anderson Cooper just came out.
Crying tears of glitter and rainbows right now. Gonna decorate my dildo like My Little Pony in his honor.
You know he really cares when he gives you one of those on-the-go toothbrushes for your walk of shame before running to work
Notice how both of our plans for hooking up with these guys involve getting them drunk?
Oh my God, we're like men but with great boobs.
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Why the HOLY HELL is my dog on my roof??? Sam?? Why is the dog wearing my pants
I'm gonna watch porn and nap. I think I really have this Valentine's Day thing down
I lost my pants last night, she told me I walked into their room after leaving 5 minutes before wearing my thong.....and no pants. I have absolutely no idea where I left them.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
he's drunk and referred to his shoes as foot condoms
Randomize
