I just farted at work and tried to cover up the noise by shuffling papers around
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is
This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.
all i remember was her shitting herself and asking me to call her parents.....i so didn't. when i woke up she was gone and left a note saying "we will be lovers forever"
I made people serenade her before talking to her and went on a condom run. If I'm going to be in the friend zone, I'm going to be its fucking king.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Nana saw my nipple rings & made me watch Joel Osteen all morning
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
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