Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I'm going to let the use of the word "hella" slide considering I have sperm older than you.
Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."
dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I just want you to know IcyHot in the ear is weird. Don't ask.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
Using a 12 year old as a wingman. Does that make me a bad person?
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
I'm gonna write a song for the kids called "you're systematically killing your mother". In it I will explain that my recent hypertension and increase in smoking is due to them being dicks
Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?
Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
one week and then i'm back on the sexual grind. a party is being planned in my vagina's honor
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