i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!
you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.
I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level
Im not spending 10 to get hit on by potential transexuals even if they are cuter than most of the girls I dated.
Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.
You have to summon your inner elephant
Every time you talk about your facial hair I immedately get horny
I took an uber home at 6am. Went to Santanas, apparently they don't take american express. So the uber driver bought my burrito. Success!
If anyone needs me I'll be in the bathtub, eating fast food and shooting straight vodka while I seriously evaluate my life choices and cry.
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
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