some old guy just shit himself in my section. everyones leaving
he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer
It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.
but you don't have to sleep on top of four different cum stains because you'd rather buy a case of Franzia than spend $3.50 in the student laundry room
I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot
Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.
We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid
You know how the doctor said I need to stop being vegan unless I find a way to get more protein? There's protein in beer. The doctor wants me to drink more beer.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
Aside from the possibility of pregnancy, I'm going to call last night a raging success.
So my new thing apparently is getting wasted, showing people my slytherin socks and convincing them I'm slytherin..because why not
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
