I woke up at 11 this morning in my car parked in front of the bar.
I know, I tried to wake you up, but I couldnt. So I walked home
You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
Just tipped at a bar in cheerios. Suck it.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
If you can get laid in a rudolph onesie you are doing something right my friend.
I can feel my moral fiber fraying.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
He walked away from the girl that just blew him to hook up with another girl, and when she got pissed he just turned around and screamed, "SHE IS LIKE 10X HOTTER THAN YOU!" Then she went on an angry dick sucking rampage. There were 4 victims.
I had to rub one out before the Shabbat dinner in case I find a nice Jewish girl to fuck me in the bathroom.
Your mother would be so proud
*swallows 40 gallons of heavy water and astral projects into buzzfeed* Top Ten Reasons Why I Am God
All I remember is talking the cops into calling us a cab instead of giving us PIs while trying to wake up your passed-out-on-a-bench ass.
Fuck you bitch. You're married. You got a live-in dick at home for your needs. I still gotta surf this shitty town's bars for cock
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
Randomize
