My aunt just said- "pizza is like sex. Even if it ain't good it ain't bad." Obviously she doesn't know us too well.
believe me... letting the man that delivered you from your mother's vagina do shots off your stomach is really fucking awkward.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.
You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
I was going to text him and apologize but I didn't want him to think that meant I approved of him being my niece's booty call.
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
"can you come pick me up from the ikea parking garage i think i slept here"
I guess I can check "drink alone in the dark" off my bucket list
You call it sex. I call it penis conditioning.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Randomize
