Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I was staring at you from my window across the quad. I wanted to let you know so it's not creepy
ok now this is the second time he's reffered to recieving a blow job as 'getting his pee pee sucked'
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
The only coherent words in the 6 texts i recieved were don't, cute, fucking, beer, and lions
You fed me milk from the beer bong because you thought it would "Sober you up" .
someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.
He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Future roommate keeps sending me pictures of cool shit she has for our dorm and I'm just like "... I have a set of Aggie wine glasses a great set of tits."
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
I vaguely remember losing my underwear to 2 chicks in a bathroom. That drunk.
Currently standing at the bus stop in just a pillowcase and its fucking snowing
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