I drunkenly recorded an episode of Family Matters last night. I took a shot everytime Carl Winslow had a mustache.
when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
after he handcuffed me and put me in the back seat, "Mrs. Officer" started playing, I thought maybe this could be my escape
I just turned in a 4 page paper spelling absolute as "absolut" every single time. I'm an alcoholic
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
You owe me $8 for the carwash I needed after you threw the salmon on my windshield.
I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.
I was pissed last night bc this girl didn't want to have sex but offered to reimburse me for the condoms. That just made me upset
Let's just rave with boners that last for hours
I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.
Roommate just came in drunk and tweaked out because my tv has a DVD player built in. Waaaaaayyyy too sober for that conversation.
No but I was fuckin done when I realized my acrylic nail caught fire when I was hitting the bong.
I just gave parenting advice and had a discussion about the distribution of wealth in america...in a bar. I'm starting to think its me and not you lol
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