So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.
The usual, bring face make up, I have a weird gash on my nose, probably from my one night stand
Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Overslept. So hungover. Apparently texting the first person in my contact list the time I would like to wake up is not how the alarm clock in my phone actually works.
You don't have anything to lose--we've established that he's not going to murder you and he smells good.
Soo I woke up in the storage room at best western....I dont even know what say
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
I feel as though I look like a mom with a substance abuse problem
I found one of those wine glass confetti bits in my ass crack.
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