Earlier, I saw a homeless man that looked like Abe Lincoln, and I just saw a guy walk past wearing crocs and socks. I'm beginning to like this city less and less
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
dude when I get home wanna help me fulfill my dream of smoking a bowl out of my saxophone?
It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
She just told me she thinks she bruised her labia in class
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
I had to ask him for a dick pic. Do you know how refreshing that was?
He asked if I was alright. I said "Yeah, I'm just an incapacitated ball of orgasmic bliss right now."
she just sent our roommates a message asking them for a parakeet. are you gonna call later?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
Plus he probably didn't want to be at home, alone... Jacking off on the big screen without you there to lend a helping hand. I mean, let's be honest. It's not fun if it's not a little weird.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
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