Got some. In a truck. I will just pee you in the morning i guess?
evidently tequilla and lady gaga make me flirt and grind shamlessly with other men infront of my boyfriend.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
Nothing like coming home and finding the nearly full bottle of fireball you forgot you had stashed before your trip
It's the little things
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
Had to decide between a hook up at the train restroom or getting to work on time #growingup
Apparently you can unlock an iPad by doing a line on the lock screen I'm about to bust that myth
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
Real life skills section of my resume: blow jobs, food knowledge trivia, sarcasm, mascaera application, sexting, tolerance of rail liquors
Randomize
