you know whats awesome about this morning. A suprise visit from my dad at 7:30 am. There was a pair of heels on the lawn and a girl sleeping in just her underwear on the floor of my living room. He either thinks im a champion or a total fuck up. I'm thinking fuck up but im hoping champion.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
Is it okay to send him a "thanks for the sexual awakening" note?
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
showering high made me realize that i should seriously reconsider my career path... id be a damn good hair shampooer & head massager
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I hope none of us try to run for public office one day
Idk man there's lots of bad dick but even a bad cookie is still pretty good
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I walked in and saw her crying and singing to her dog
I lost all interest the day she banged that guy in the Amazon parking lot. That's a special kinda whore.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Why do all my exes just become Tom Hanks in Castaway?
That's a fantastic question. And an odd set of criteria to meet if wanting to date you.
Randomize
