Drawing on your hand and calling it yenifer lopez doesn't count!
Just saw a cop issuing a DUI. At 3 pm. It's definitely the start of winter break.
I woke up face first on my living room floor arms outstretched toward the christmas tree
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
If I could figure out how to do him with his wranglers on you would never see me again.
I'm still drunk, my mom is throwing up, and there is a random Irish guy out getting our house breakfast right now. Wednesday's are my bitch.
She's throwing a party for a guy that just got out of rehab?
Randomize
