my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
at some point when you're making out with the ex girlfriend of your ex fuck buddy who happens to be the ex boyfriend of the girl that you just got drunk with who was hitting on your current fuck buddy who is best friends with your ex boyfriend, it just hits you: oh my god i need to get out more and expand my social circle.
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
blowing a .13 at 10 AM isn't nearly as cool as I thought it would be.
I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?
he confused my yawn for an orgasm
My neighbor asked me to tell you to stop changing in front of their house. Do I even want to know?
Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?
He said he has something to give me... I swear to God if it's a joint or a framed picture of his penis i'm going to kill him
This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.
Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.
It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."
My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
Yes. Life would be much easier if we had penises & could do whatever the fuck we want.
Randomize
