And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
hows the new call of duty?
I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.
At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
just took a shot of real whiskey... i forgot what it's like to drink liquor that costs more than twelve dollars.
Apparently senior citizens don't like that position
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?
and he's drinking a bud lime in his profile pic meaning i can out drink him, meaning i would clearly be the alpha in our relationship
Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
I found it. now I'm going to the gym to be "healthy" or whatever that folklore is called.
I said I wanted pizza tattoo on my ass and the tattooist asked me what I wanted on it.
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
Randomize
