I am so stoned and my professor is handing out candy. I love Halloween.
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.
Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.
She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.
Your smile makes me feel like I'm frolicking through a field of gummy bears.
Also I would love to pregame at your place if I weren't stuck at mine drinking laxatives
I swear she is the Mary Poppins of drugs
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
you were shouting "me peeing on him is the closest he'll EVER get to my vagina!"
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