Dude I think you forgot how to talk last night. We kept asking if you wanted a condom and you just smiled and made weird noises...
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
If a man doesnt have the ability to fuck you well on a small climbing wall, I don't think he deserves you.
Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.
I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
Ill tap morse code on the ceiling when im ready for you to come down amd smoke
I was kind of torn between "Wow, this is awkward," and "Wow, my therapist is hung."
Don't you judge us. Sockets make ideal bowls
He's way too stoned. I took him to el bra and he's laying on the table, not sure what to do with him
Can we make 2014 the year of no unsolicited dick pics?
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
We're currently sharing pics of our cats. I can't wait to sit on her face.
The dogs decided to play a new game called "Who Can Scream the Loudest?"
I won.
Randomize
