I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
she passed out facedown in my lap while I was playing piano. 11 years of piano lessons finally paid for themselves.
The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome
Today has been the most awkward masturbatory day of my life. Possibly even more awkward than when my mom found my vibrator on Mother's Day.
dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Bang-toberfest begins!!
I think the universe has a conglomeration of sentences reserved only for me.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
Who are you, and why are you in my phone as Elf on the Shelf
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
You told me you didn't want to go to the hospital because you were drunk, but because you didn't want to leave the "fun".
Randomize
