I didn't slap you in the face. TEQUILA slapped you with my hand...
Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
please don't call me when you're wasted. i don't feel like having any other future arguments at 3:18am about how to hang up your phone. you have a flip phone, you should know regardless of how fucked up you are.
id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.
I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA
My goal of the day is to not shit myself. That's it. Setting the bar real low
My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
When you get shitfaced you find strippers when I get shitfaced I speak to woodland creatures, do you see the dilema?
Although can we find me a starter dick? I don't want security showing up again. That was awkward.
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
Money making scheme, blow job proof mascara. Waterproof is bullshit
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
Is she talking about a testicle cuff or just a cock ring? How did you meet this girl?
Is there a big difference?
It’s about the same as the difference between a night of drunken sex with a stripper at the Bellagio and being robbed and left for dead by a crystal meth tweaker
Randomize
