They told me I spent half the night at the club with one ball hanging out my shorts. Apparently it got me 1 free drink, 2 numbers, and thrown out.
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.
come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned
I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.
P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.
Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?
i walked in on you eating. you had the fridge wide open and you were rotating between steak and handfuls of captain crunch.
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
And by not handle it I mean it makes me want to sit on his face
I only spent $42 at the bar last night, it's some sort of miracle.
you do remember it was dollar beer night, right?
That answers my next five questions
He saw me naked after our first date and still asked for a second.. so I think we’re doing good
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
She is beauty she is grace
she’s masturbsting in front of an open window while drunk af 9am
i thought you had class
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