it doesn't mae me god, the fact that I am god makes getting dressed futile and tedious... btw i am still drunk
She looks like an uncircumcised penis in a hat.
yeah well we're currently on the phone and she's telling me about how much she misses me and all this shit and i muted myself and i'm watching porn.
I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.
oh, you finally did the dishes then?
No, bought new ones.
So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro
Seriously. All i can say is im covered in mud, my jaw hurts, i cannot straighten my arm, egg is everywhere, and there is a dead squirrel.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
HOW THE FUCK CAN YOU NOT REMEMBER WHIPPING IT OUT AND PUTTING ON THE BAR?
By the way, you're banned for life.
I can't wait til me and pit bull can just be together
chicken nuggets make me a bit homicidal
We're at an agreement where I don't pry and she pretends blissful ignorance
So I lost my dignity between the strip club and your penis...
It was probably the most embarrassing moment of my life. But I had cleavage, so I'm good!
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