Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
she wrote "SORRY" in her vomit and left
I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.
Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
Dude I walked in to my house just to be handed a bottle of vodka by my sister. She then said i had 15 minutes to finish it. Moving into my parents place is the best choice I have made this year.
I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
MY TWIN SISTER IS ENGAGED. I REPEAT, MY SCREW UP OF A SISTER IS ENGAGED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I'll be there in 20 with vodka.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
I feel kind of like we’re in a gang and tonight is one of those “people are gonna know not to fuck with us” type of nights. And then tomorrow I am going to learn to pole dance. I’m not really sure how I got to this point in my life… but I like it.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
