This is not my ceiling
Don't make out with my wife yet
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.
Btw sorry for throwing that bag of ice at your face lastnight....
Not only was there cake on the wall but someone shoved cake and meat in a cup and put it in the fridge.
One guy got his nose broke and was playing with it. Then another guy was playing beer pong off his horse.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
He's getting me an energy drink and said good morning beautiful. He must sense i'm cutting him off from the sex.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
My bed smells like the plague
We were literally making dick jokes with his dick out
That’s the level of friends with benefits I aspire to achieve
No problem...what are friends for if they can't rub eachothers genitals.
I offered to go down on her because of how impressive her theatre career was. Stop letting me talk to lesbians.
Randomize
