I'm wearing a childsize birthday hat and a bib. I am the def of sex appeal rite now
U r making out with a 12 year old get ur shit together
Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
Why do you need me to cover for work?
I wouldn't say NEED but lets just say I smell like guacamole and semen.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
Just bought a colored water bottle so my classmates can be so judgemental when I bring beer to class.
Dude at the bar last night came into the bathroom, drop kicked the stall open and start saying lines from happy Gilmore as he was shitting, "go in your home! Are you too good for your home?!"
Are you the reason I woke up without pants?
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
OF COURSE I NEED TO KNOW I MUST KNOW EVERYTHING
YOU ARE NOT OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
I AM OMNIPOTENT AND YOU HAVE TO DEAL WITH THAT
Woke up next to a slice if pizza. From what i can tell I tried to plug it into my phone charger. No more blackout wednesdays for this girl.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
Randomize
