FUCK TREES I CLIMB BUOYS MOTHERFUCKER
STOP listening to that song
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
IM NOT LETTING YOU PEE ON ME IF THATS WHAT YOURE GETTING AT.
I just had a cup of orange juice and thought it didnt taste right. It didnt have vodka in it.
No I can't cure herpes. I'm an EMT, not Jesus.
I think I just ate eggs off of a plate covered in cocaine.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
I asked him to make me two boxes of macaroni and cheese. That's like eight servings. How did I think that was an okay amount.
After we got done he told me to hold his penis because it helps him fall asleep
I am one with the molecules
Strip club, what strip club did I eat a steak at? That's the appropriate question
Please tell me I did not drink enough whiskey to think that having sex with my boyfriend while his best friend was on the floor next to us was a good idea.
And he put my hair in my clip while i blew him...and he did a good job
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
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