my mom just informed me that i masturbate loudly
I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.
We've been here 3 hours and the only 1 word answer she didn't give was the drink order. Don't think I'm getting laid tonight
My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.
These days, you and me are swimming in dicks.
Marco
Polo
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
I'm gonna have to get you a special blowjob bib -- like a lobster bib -- but instead of a picture of a little red lobster, it will have a picture of a penis, with 3 big squirts coming out.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
I'm standing on the corner in a banana costume and cape with frozen bananas in my utility belt reassessing my life decisions.
I had a sex with someone last night and I was so drunk. i told him to tell me his whole name so I can say it back to him in a "sexy" way.... Because I forgot it
Look, I've got a really big car. We just need to put ourselves in it and put some body parts in other body parts.
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Finally finished unpacking shit from school n found a bra with no idea whose it is... I miss college so much it hurts sometimes
i wish i could say that was the first 40 year old woman from the circus I nailed
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