I cockslap morals
just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.
You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
you got us kicked out of the restaurant for trying to pee in the trash can.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
If you're still up for that roadtrip, I managed to end up in Louisiana and could use a ride home.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Come back. Shots need mouths.
We helped him hit the bowl to the point that he didn't even have to move
I basically have the attention span of a ferret on meth when it comes to men
All the movies on cable here are either porn or Bollywood. I am never leaving this hotel.
Randomize
