I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
Of course my walk of shame coincided with the alumni marathon on campus. But, I did get a thumbs up from the woman handing out water.
I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation
So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex
SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?
I woke up naked, with the lights on, using my backpack as a pillow and a pillow as a blanket.
So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?
I just want a man to crawl into my bed with me and never crawl out. Anti socialism at his best.
It's an open bar. I'm gonna be gone when you get here.
Text me the address now before you're too drunk to text English.
Damn, well, it could always be worse
For sure, I could be a prison bitch right now. Thursdays aren't half bad
If i'm forever fucked up in this state of mind then I'm going to kill him for this
Tonight we learned that just because we can fit a Tic Tac in the tip of my penis that does not mean we should.
Like its not even midnight and I've already had enough of her for all of 2015
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
Randomize
